Useless Things You Do When You're Bored
by Twi-tatortot
Summary: It's about the four wolves and funny things that happen to them. It's a stupid summary, but it's a funny story. Please read.I was finished, but I put another chapter up. Please r and r. I have now completed this story.
1. chapter 1

Autor's note- My other Wolf's Rain fanfic isn't working out as good as I thought it would be. I thought I would write some humor for a little bit. If you want me to write more please say so in your review. I don't own Wolf's Rain.

Useless Things You Do When You're Bored

Chapter one-

"I went to the vet today. They said I have rabies," Kiba said.

"Yah rabies," Tsume said with a gun in his hand. He shot Kiba in the head. Kiba didn't get wounded and keeps walking. Toboe walked over to Hige.

"Whoah Runt, you smell. It's bad for my sensitive nose," Hige said.

"I just rolled in some dog shit. Then I walked in the back of the fish market and I bathed in dead fish to get the smell of shit off my fur."

"I think someone needs a bath," Hige said to Toboe.

"NOT A BATH.NOOOOOOO!" Toboe jumps out the nearest window screaming no.

"Porky, do you know hotdogs are made out of dogs' tails?" Tsume asked.

"They are? Oh my god! Ah, oh well. Dog tails taste delicous," Hige said nonchalantly.

"Hot dogs taste bad," Kiba said.

Toboe(in his wolf form) came back from the pet groomer. He smelled like orange scented shampoo and his fur was shiny. He had a pink ribbon tied to her head.

"Awl, look at the cute little fluffy doggy with the pink ribbon," Tsume said.

"I got a new owner. She's alot hotter than that old hag who used to own me before I killed her."

The twenty year old came in and the wolves jaws dropped. She was wearing a tight mini skirt and a low-cut black tanktop. Her blonde curly hair gleemed in the sunlight.

"Come here little puppy. You're such a cute doggy. Yes you are," the girl said.

"I wish I was your pet," Kiba said to the girl.

The girl(of course didn't know he was a wolf) bitch slapped him across the face and walked away.

"Find a new owner you dumb mutt!" the girl yelled to Toboe.

"Kiba, why did you do that?" Toboe asked.

"Well that's a dumb question," Kiba said.

Toboe jumped at Kiba and bit him. Kiba jumped at Toboe and they started fighting. Tsume kicked both of them and they stopped.

"I'm hungry. Can we get food?" Hige said.

"Here you can eat Toboe. He's useless to us anyway," Tsume said.

"Why is everyone picking on me today? waaahhh" Toboe said. He jumped out the window screaming "Screw you guys, I'm going home if I had one."

Blue came over to Hige and they start kissing.

"Why don't you two get a room?" Kiba said.The two stopped and Blue vanished.

"I'm bored. What do you wanna do now?" Hige asked Kiba.

"Search for Paradise," Kiba said in a serious voice.

"Here we go again with that "Paradise is real" theory. You know that's a bunch of crap. We are just hanging out together. Even though I hate all of you except Toboe. Toboe is my "special friend". I'm like Michael Jackson, I like little boys," Tsume said.(all the Tsume lovers are going to hate me now)

"We already knew that. I found your diary," Hige said.

"You bitch, why did you do that?" Tsume asked.

"Becuase I was bored of course. There's nothing to do in this place."

"Do you hear that?"Kiba asked.

A sound of little girls were coming outside.

"Lets play hide'n go seek," the one little girl said. They were all around five years of age.They were all alone.

"Let's scare the pants off them," Tsume said. They all turned into wolves and chased the girls all around. Some of the girls wet their pants. Toboe ran out of no where and charged at the little girls. He has blood all over his face because he took his anger out on a rabbit earlier. He snarled and growled viciously. He wanted them to be so afriad of him they would have a heart attack.

"Look at the cute puppy!" The one girl said.

"**PUPPY,PUPPY,PUPPY!"** They all yelled excitedly. They all ran towards him with big happy smiles on their faces. They jumped on top of him and huggeed him. They were laughing and saying things like "What a cute puppy," "I wanna play with her", and "Let's call her Snuggles."

""Snuggles" was getting mad now. She I mean he got up from under them and bit all five of the girls.

"Look, she's licking me," the one said.

"Let's get out of here!" Toboe said. All four wolves ran away from the girls.

"That was scarier than that time Tsume put on a dress," Hige said.

Tsume made an angry face, and then an evil smile. He punched Hige in the face and Hige now has a black and blue eye.

"So, what do you wanna do now?" Toboe asked.

"Let's do useless things we do when we're bored," Kiba said.

"That's what we've been doing this whole time. That's why Cozziefan wrote this," Hige said with his eye magically better.  
"I hate when she controls what we do." Toboe said.

"Let's go beat the shit out of her. Then we can steal her money and some of her possessions and sell them on ebay," Tsume said.

"Then we can eat her for dinner," Hige said.

"Noo! I already went potty. You don't have to beat the shit out of me. I'll erase you all and you won't be in this story. It will just be about me. muaahahahahah," Cozziefan said.

"Never mind, Let's go do more useless shit that is funny, but no one cares about," Kiba said.

A.N- How'd you like it so far? pretty funny stuff huh? Please **Read and reveiw. **Thanks

If you like it and you want me to keep writing this fic please say so in your review. If you want to read my other w.r. story please do. I won't write the ch.2 for that story enless I get some good reviews. Thanks again


	2. Brittany Spears and Food

Thanks for the reviews

chapter two-

All of the wolves were in the same abandoned house as in the last chapter. It had a pool,and a luxury hot tub with a t.v. Tsume is watching The Backstreet boys live in concert on pay-per view. Toboe is putting his name in the newspaper for a new owner because the last one ran away. Kiba was just chillin (mainly because I can't think of anything for him to do). Hige is eating a rat on a stick with extra rabies. Blue is somewhere far away from them and Cheza is in hell being satan's slave for eternity.

"Who wants some fried poodle on a stick?" Hige asked.

"No thanks I just ate some road kill that was on the side of the road. It was delicous," Kiba said.

"I want some shit on a stick. That's my favorite treat. When I lived with my other owner she gave me that all the time. It could be because she was dirt poor," Toboe said.

"Were you her only pet?" Kiba asked.

"No. She had 36 cats, one zebra, two sheep and an elaphant. Our apartment was kinda crouded. Their was only one litter box. Man, I loved catlitter coated chocolate. That was the best."

"Chocolate can kill dogs or wolves," Hige said.

"It wasn't that kind of chocolate."

A knock was heard at the door. Kiba walked up to the door and opened it. It was Brittany Spears.

"Hi, I lost my dog and I wanted to know if you've seen him?" Brittany asked. All the wolves except Hige (who was too busy stuffing his face) was there.

"What did he look like?" Toboe asked.

"He was a little white poodle. He is so cute and fluffy. He had a blue ribbon around his neck. His name is Fluffy. Have you seen him?" she asked.

"Nope, haven't seen him. If I did, I'll let you know." a blue ribbon was lying on the floor.

"That ribbon looks just like the one he had. Do you have my little Fluffy?"

"No I don't. I can call you if I see him."

"You don't have my phone number."

"I'll look under Bitchy Rich Blondes in the phonebook."

Hige walked out in his wolf form.

"There is your Fluffy," Kiba said.

"That's not my Fluffy. That's some big stinky fat dog."

"That poodle was some good eatin," Hige said.  
"NOOOOOO! Fluffy, My Fluffy. You ate my Fluffy!" Brittany shrieked. All of the wolves looked like wolves again and chased the slut. They brought her down and bit into her neck. The blood gushed out and splattered against the walls.

"Hige, are you full yet?'

"Of course not. I'm a bottomless pit."

"This girl can be for dinner. Let's eat." Tsume said. With that they all sank their teeth into the bitch. When they were finished the only thing that was left of her was a couple locks of her blonde hair. They took her purse and emptied it out. There was one thousand dollars in cash and a cell phone with a _Hit Me Baby, One More Time_ ring on it.

"She tasted like chicken," Tsume said.

"People, the other white meat," Kiba said.

"Man in a can," Hige said.

"The only thing that taste good with poodle is slut," Toboe said.

"What's next on the agenda?" Tsume said.

"Walk, sleep, piss, and as always, eat," Hige said.

"That sounds like fun, but boring at the same time," Kiba said.

"Let's wait for more things that are hilarious to appear in this story," Toboe said.

Two weeks later-

"I'm bored," Hige said. He turned on the t.v.and the news was on.

"Brittany Spears is still missing. It's been two weeks and her family is devistated. Kim you are at the house now, Right?" the anchor man asked the news reporter at the house.

"Yes, The parents are very devastated," Kim said. The camera pointing at the trailor. It was a tiny trailor with trash all over.

"Hoor, the news reporter is at our goddamn white trash thing of a home. Get you're ass out here!" Brittany's dad said. He was smelly and fat, with a sweatty wife beater on and messy gray hair. His wife came out of the bedroom and she was in a nightgown. She had a green mask on her face that supposed to clean her face, but it didn't seem to be working. She was super skinny and had a cigarette hanging off her lips.

"Let's look like we care about our slutty bitch of a daughter. She didn't give us any money ever," her mom said. They walked out of the trailor and they had a sad expression on their faces.

"Please bring back our daughter. She is missed and loved very much," They said.

Hige turned off the t.v.

"That was boring with a slight hint of funny. I'm still bored," Toboe said.

"That's great because when we're bored more people come or something that's funny happens in this fanfiction story," Tsume said. Just then, the delivery truck came and stopped in front of their house.

"Delivery for Kiba," the man in the brown suit said.

"How did they get our address? This is an abandoned house."

"I don't know, just sign here, here, here, and here," the delivery man said in an irrated voice.

A large package came in and was left on the floor.

"What is it?" Toboe asked.

"I don't know."

**a.n -review. please **


	3. chapter three

Thank you the reviews. It wasn't supposed to be three chapters, but I forgot there was a cliffhanger. If you are still interested in this story, please continue reading. I thought I would add some drama in this chapter. I forgot to say (and this goes for all the chapters) I do not own anything that has to do with the things and/or people I make fun of or write about.

Chapter three-

Kiba slowly opened the box. He peaked inside and there was another box a tad smaller than the first box. He opened that box and a smaller box was inside that one. Kiba did this multiple times until he finally reached the last box. It was a jewlery box and it was wrapped with wrapping paper and a bow. He opened it and a note was attached. Inside the box was a purple collar with white glistening rhine stones. He opened the note and it read:

_I thought of you when I saw it in the pet store. You bought it for me last summer. I loved it. That summer we spent a long time together. Then I went in heat and you left me. You said you couldn't take care of me and pups because you were in search for paradise. You were always serious, about paradise. Before we broke up, you said we would be together forever._ _We would find and live together in paradise. You lied to me, just like all the other males. I thought you were different, but I was wrong. Incase you were wondering I had two pups. They are one month now. They are growing up so fast. I thought you would want to know. I gave this collar back to show that your gifts don't mean anything to me._

_Goodbye forever_

_Kaida_

"I have two pups?" Kiba said.

"What, you have puppies?" Tsume said.

"Wow, Kiba is a real pimp," Hige said.

"I can never see them. I don't even know where she lives."

"Ah forget it Kiba. She's old news. You'll never see her or the pups," Hige said.

"Yes, you're right. Wait, why am I taking your advise? I should search for her. I loved her but-" Kiba stopped

"She was in the way. In the way from paradise," Hige said.

"No, I was afraid she would die. I didn't want her to get hurt on our quest. I thought leaving her would be the best choice. All I did was hurt her heart. I made her heart hurt, not her body.

"You should go look for her," Toboe said.

"I can't... I don't have a clue where she is. I'm not going to," Kiba said.

The next day-

Hige was doing what he does best, eating and the others were doing the same as well.

"Roadkill is like cheese and whine; the older it is, the better the taste," Hige said.

"I'm lactose intolerant, so I can't eat cheese. Hey kiba, why did the chicken cross the road?" Toboe asked.

"To get hit by a car so we could eat?"

"No. So he could get hit by a car and get turned into a robot by and evil scientist."

"Like on _Robot Chicken. _Why do they call it that anyway? It's not even in the show," Tsume said.

"They trick you that way. Don't you hate it when you think it's about something , but it's actually something totally different? They just want you to watch it," Hige said.

"I saw the trailer for _The Village_ and I thought it was a suspenseful, scary movie. I walked two miles to the theatre, payed $9.00 for the movie. After it was over I was pissed. It wasn't a suspenseful,scary movie. It was a dramatic romantic movie. Maybe a half hour to an hour was a little creepy, but the rest was about a blind girl. A totally different ending to what I thought it would be. I thought the villagers were all gonna die. It was a suckky movie. I hate when they trick me," Tsume said.

"That's what you get for PG-13,"Hige said.

"Can I see a PG-13 movie?" Toboe asked Tsume.

"Of course not. You're too young."

"We're all wolves though Tsume. We're all under thirteen," Toboe said.

"You're too young. Even if you're a wolf, you have to be at least two years old to watch a PG-13 movie."

"Let's play fetch!" Toboe said , though you couldn't understand him because he had three tennisballs in his mouth.

"I don't play fetch. Fetch is for pets and puppies," Tsume said.

"Oh, butyou hug teddy bears," Toboe said smiling while Tsume hid the large teddy bear behind his back.

"Who wants a milkbone?" Kiba asked.

"I DOOO," Hige said while jumping up four feet in the air.

"Sit,"

Hige grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and sat politely like a human would.

"Good boy. Stay." Kiba ran with the milkbone box, stuffing four biscuits in his mouth at a time in his mouth.

"Hige charged at Kiba, grabbed the box out of his arms, and kept on running until he collided with the wall.

He fell down with the milkbones flying everywhere.

"What are we doing tomorrow Kiba?" Hige asked.

"The same thing we do every day, try to find paradise."

"And make everybody laugh in the meantime," Toboe said.

"Wow, Cozziefan could keep going on and on about stupid things," Tsume said.

"That's why she's stopping at this chapter," Kiba said.

"Enless you review telling her to keep writing," Toboe said.

"She needs at least five reviews to keep writing, or else she'll stop," Tsume said.

"It's not like this story has a point to it. There is no themes except don't do things your mom and dad say are bad, because they aren't. It's a load of shit. Have fun, drink under age, get stoned. You will just die at an early age, or get pregnant when you're a teen. Lots of fun, but enough about that. You have lives of your own. Your nerdy band geeks with your braces and laptops. You teens with your cell phones that you text people with, even though it's easier and more affordable to talk. I'm going to stop talking about teens because I'll make Cozziefan mad, then she'll hurt me. Hide me, Hide me. She's coming with a baseball bat. Don't hurt me Cozziefan, I'm a cute little puppy," Hige said.

"You are a fat wolf that needs weight control formula because you eat all your packs food," Cozziefan said.

"Of course Porky ate all the food. He can't control himself. He's addicted to food," Tsume said.

"Did anyone tell you, you look like a fatter version of Spike from _Cowboy Bebop_," Cozziefan asked.

"Actually they did,"

"Well they are wrong. You remind me of Tai from _Digimon_. You sound like him too. I don't want to stop writing. I like to write about you guys," Cozziefan said.

"You always make fun of us and make us do stupid things. As long as you don't make us gay. I hate that. You already said I like Toboe. It's not true," Tsume said.

"I know it's not true. Hige isn't really that fat either. I just like to make fun of you. None of you are gay either. You're just bi-sexual. I'm just kidding."

"The only way for me to write is if I get five reviews from you. Can you please read my other W.R. fanfic too. I only got two reviews for that. I'm not going to write that other story any more unless someone reviews. Thank you so much for the reviews from the last chapters. Peaceout for now (man that sounds so chessey)" Cozziefan said.


	4. the last chapter

Thank you so much for the reviews again. I can see you want me to keep writing. I forgot to mention that I don't allow flames. I hate them, so don't flame. If you don't like this story, don't read it. I'm not forcing you to read it. For those who think this is a good fic, please enjoy this chapter.

Chapter four-

"This one is back,"Cheza said excitedly.

"Cheza's back, back again, Cheza's back, tell a friend," Eminem said from inside the television.

"Cheza I can't believe you returned. I thought you were satan's slave for eternity,"Kiba said.

"He said this one could go back to earth because she missed her friends. Also, he said this one had to kill all of the church people. This one won't though because this one wants to go to the carnival to go on the ferriswheel," she said.

"That sound like fun. I'll go with you," Kiba said.

"Kiba, I wanna go with you. Please,"Toboe said. Then the three left.

"Wait up you guys. I don't want to stay here with Tsume,"Hige said while catching up with the rest.

"Tsume are you coming too?"

"I don't want to waste my time on stupid things like carnivals. I guess you expect me to eat cottoncandy and go on the merry-go-round too," Tsume said.

"Bye Tsume." Tsume sat down and sighed because he knew there would be nothing to do.

At the carnival-

"I wanna go on the ferriswheel,"Toboe said.

"Alright, I'll go with you," Hige said. They bought their tickets, and went into the cage of the ferris wheel. When they were finished Toboe had barf all over the shirt from Hige.

"I told not to eat those candy coated cockroaches before we went on any rides," Toboe told Hige.

"They were yummy though. It did satisfy my craving for insects. I think I'm going to stay on the ground and let my stomach settle," Hige confirmed.

"Bye chubby,"Toboe yelled out while running towards the funhouse. Hige started to chase him, but was interupted by the taste of acid and roach legs coming up his throat. He ran to the closest trashcan, but didn't make it.

When the ordeal was over he walked over to a basketball. He never played before, but always wanted to experience it. Everytime he threw the ball it landed in the net. The man behind the counter asked what he wanted. He chose the plush black dog. It reminded him of his mate Blue.

"I miss Blue. I wonder where she is. I haven't seen her in a while. She hasn't visited the guys and I in a while.

I can almost hear her."

"Hige you're here," Blue said from a couple people away.

"BLUE I missed you. Where did you go after you left?"

"I work here now. I'm the watchdog," Blue said.

"Are you coming back with us?"

"I can visit you when I get a break. They put me in a crate, but I can bend the bars with my teeth."

"Can you quite your job and come hang out with me?"

"I can ,but they feed me all the food I want," Blue said smiling.

"All the food I want. Where do I sign up?" Hige said.

"Cheza, I was so lonely without you," Kiba said in a sorrowful voice.

"This one only went to use the restroom," She said kind of annoyed.

"What was it like in Hell?"

"It was so much fun. They have golf every friday, but they don't use golfballs. They use people's heads. This one met many interesting people. There was one person I met who used to be a clown. They called him Mr.Killer. He went to hell because he suffacated a boy with a ballon. He a had a strange death sentence. They made him luagh to death. Then Cheza kept talking and talking and talking.

"_I wish she had an off switch,_" Kiba was thinking. "Let's go on the merry-go-round," Kiba said so she would stop talking.

"Okay. This one will get the horse with the pink spots and the ribbon on the tail." They hopped on and Kiba had the black horse.

Back with Hige and Blue-

The 'new owner' of Blue came out of the tent and saw Blue with Hige. He didn't know they could talk and look like humans. The wolves were in their wolf forms.

"What are you doing here fella?" He said to Hige. Hige walked over to the man and wimpered. Then he looked over at the cans of dogfood that were stacked against the wall. He pawed at him and barked.(Wolves do bark by the way.)

"Are you hungry?" he asked. Toboe came runing towards Hige and Blue. He was in human form.

"Blue, you're back. I thought you ran away because I haven't seen you in so long," Toboe said suprised that his friend was back.

"Is this your dog?" the man asked.

Of course he couldn't tell him the truth so he said yes.

"Are they both your dogs?"

"Yes. I haven't seen this one in a while."  
"Maybe you should leash your dogs so they won't be lost," The man said with an attitude. " Goodbye Bell(Blue). I'll miss you." He said with a sad expression on his face. Then Blue walked over to Toboe and they all left to meet Cheza and Kiba.

"Lets all go home," Kiba said to the pack.

"Where is home?"

"In Paradise," Kiba said. He pointed to a sign that said 'Paradise This way'. They all walked over to it and entered Paradise.

THE END

A/N- That's it. I'm done. I am now sick of writing this shit. I lost all my comical talent. Good bye.May write in the late future. (probably not)


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